I'm Back... for now, anyway

You know how sometimes when you feel pressure to do something, it just seems like too much, but then once you remove that pressure, the thing you were stressing about didn't seem so bad? Well, that's how I felt on my break from blogging. That, and of course the fact that the week I chose to break from blogging, lots of shit happened... some good, but mostly bad.

My best friend had her second baby, a girl. Good! Then, my friend developed a uterine infection and her husband - the sole breadwinner - lost his job. Bad! I'm working out a lot more and am really happy with the plan I'm following. Good! I've eaten like absolute shit the last week. Bad! A pep talk from my boss led me to learn that I am in no danger of losing my job during this crappy economy. Great! I bought my house during the 2006 boom and I hate it... and I have no idea when we'll be able to sell and I refuse to do so without breaking even. Bad!

I really treat this blog like a bit of a personal diary, which I suppose is good and bad all at the same time. Good, because I need to get certain thoughts out. Bad, because even though I didn't want to lose my anonyminity, I did in certain cases. A few things have been bothering me lately, and I've been hesitant to really even think through these thoughts, let alone write them down. I guess I have to deal with it sometimes.

First, I'm having a bit of conflict with my chosen profession. I am a commercial real estate attorney. There are good things about my career - it's stable, it only becomes more stable the older I get, I make good money and my hours are very reasonable. Those things are all very important. However, I've been having a bit of an ethical conflict lately with some of the projects I have to handle. I don't mind refinances, even though I don't love finance. I do mind new projects where beautiful farm land is being turned into a concrete shopping center filled with another nail salon and Quizno's. The Italian reminds me that this forward "progress" would occur whether or not my firm closed the transaction. He's right, of course.

I just found out that one of my favorite places in my county - a game ranch where injured animals are rehabbed and you can visit and feed these animals by hand - is being sold to a Buddhist temple. Granted, it's not a shopping center, but it's not going to be the "game ranch" any longer either. Sigh.

Second, I've written a lot about being "down" or "unhappy" or "annoyed" lately. In general, I think I operate at a lower level of "happy" than a lot of people in the pervasively, ridiculously optimistic US of A (see?). However, I think something else is going on. There is a history of depression in my family, and I suspect I'm carrying on the tradition.

I definitely have long cycles where things seem very dark and impossible. I'm not the kind to lay in bed, shades drawn, and wither away. I'm functioning, although not at maximum capacity. My energy level is fairly low, my concentration level is pretty bad. I don't feel like cooking, one of my favorite hobbies, even on weekends when I have the time. Going to the store for groceries, or even going clothes shopping, seems like a monumental task. Don't even talk to me about cleaning my house. That's like climbing a mountain. Thank god the Italian is around to pitch in.

I'm easily irritated, I'm snapping a lot lately, and any little thing someone says that disagrees with one of my thoughts or ideas seems like a personal attack. I'm very difficult to be around, and I don't like myself very much right now.

I was seeing a therapist about some family problems back in 2007. I gave it up for a variety of reasons, but ultimately I didn't feel a connection with the therapist I saw. I don't know if I want to try again. I probably should. I've always been a little leery of medication, and I've never taken an anti-depressant. Maybe I just don't know enough, but messing with brain chemistry sounds scary to me. Maybe there's another way.

Anyway, it's really scary to admit depression. I don't even like typing it. But I know ignoring it will not make it go away.

I have more to say, but I pretty worn out from this post already. I'll be back, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week.

Break

I'm officially taking a break from blogging. I don't know for how long and I don't know when I'll resume. It may last a week, it may last a month. My stats show me that only 3-4 people read this on any average day, so my absence will not leave much of a mark on the world.

I've been reading a lot of blogs and travel message boards lately. The end result of all of this reading and researching is that I end up annoyed by people. Annoyed by people's opinions on crime, travel, money, breastfeeding, child-rearing and a host of other topics, some of which I don't even know anything about.

It's stupid, and I need a break. Plus, this spring weather is just so delicious that I need to spend time living, and not writing about living. My world, my life is not a stage.

Caught

They caught one of the bastards who killed Eve Carson in Chapel Hill. They know who the other one is, but he's on the run. He's 17 years old. Given that most 17-year olds don't have the common sense of my cat, I have a feeling his days on the street are numbered. Since I'm a lawyer, I probably should say "the guys who allegedly killed Eve Carson," but I'm not interested in playing charades. They've got these guys on video using her ATM card the night she was killed, in her car.

This story makes me so angry. The guy in custody has an abrasion on his face. Did she fight back? Did they shoot her multiple times, including once in the head, because she fought? Did they try to rape her and she resisted too hard? Did she fail to give them her PIN code?

Of course, everything I say is just speculation and none of it helps anyone. These two guys, who are really half-grown sludge from Durham, killed this girl for no reason. I hate that one day I'll have to explain to my niece, or my (potential) daughter, that there are certain times of the day you can't even leave your house to go to your car by yourself.

This is a pretty shitty world we live in.

What we've decided

Costa Rica is a go. I put my big girl panties on, took charge, and now am the proud owner of reservations for all three of our destinations, in addition to a 4 day rental of a Suzuki Grand Vitara.

I'm excited and scared all at the same time. Not of the new language or culture, but scared of the bugs. We're going to the Osa peninsula for part of our trip, and it's one of the most remote places in Costa Rica. Word on the street is that the creeps come out at night. Our cozy-looking bungalow will receive visitors during the night, including tree frogs, scorpions (!!) and things of undetermined name, shape and poison level. Holy fuck, I'm definitely taking earplugs and a sleep aid.

Here are our choices:
San Jose (our first night and then one night in transit): Orquideas Inn
Arenal/La Fortuna: Silencio Del Campo
Osa Peninsula: Bosque Del Cabo (and I'm linking to tripadvisor b/c I think their website is abysmal)

I'm excited now. This will be a very different trip, but an adventure I'm looking forward to. When we were on St. John, I enjoyed our daytime hikes and snorkel adventures much more than staying around the stuffy resort. I think I'm up to the challenge of Costa Rica.

Plus, I get to go to St. John in October anyway. I'm spoiled with travel and I love it!

Too sad to say much

For better or worse, I was a sorority girl in college. Though I'm not sure I'd do it again, I did walk away with a few really great friends who I still depend on to this day. However, one of those friends lived in my dorm, so I'm pretty sure we would've been good friends even without the sorority.

I'm rambling. All to get to the point that when I was in college, my sorority faced two tragedies. First, one of the older girls was killed in a fraternity house fire. She was one of five or six who died. Second, another girl was killed in a car wreck about a year later. Another one of my sorority sisters was driving the car. It was a bad time all around.

I felt like tragedy was stalking my campus when I was in college. I went to UNC-Chapel Hill, and by all accounts its an idyllic school. In many ways, it is. However, in the four years I spent there, we had a campus shooter, a frat house fire, the suicide of a guy who was a member of the fraternity that had the fire, and several car wrecks that killed people. In addition, THREE (I'm not joking) members of my high school debate team all died while away at college. One had a brain aneuryism, one had a heart condition, and one was kidnapped and has not been found to this day. All this on top of the awesomeness of one of my best friend's mom being diagnosed with what turned out to be terminal cancer.

Life was just beginning, but all around me, it was also ending. If I ever seem a bit macabre, I come by it honestly. I embrace people who have a genuine excitement about life. I want to be one of those people. I just can't summon the energy or courage. I've seen too much tragedy in my 31 years. My best friend has lost both her brother and her mother since we left college. I've lost my father and watched him suffer horribly. I know how ugly and unfair life can be.

This week, tragedy again struck the place I most consider home. The student body president of UNC was murdered. I'd never heard of her before this week. Her name was Eve Carson, and she was the big cheese around campus. A prestigious Morehead scholar, involved in campus politics and policies, beautiful and seemingly fearless. This girl had a genuine excitement about life. This girl anticipated the future and each coming day. She was apparently shot in the head by a random robber who wanted her ATM card. She was dumped on the road a mile from her house, shot multiple times. The most recognizable girl on campus, and it took the police 24 hours to identify her.

They have a photo of the monster (I'm sorry, "person of interest") who did this, but don't have him under arrest at this point. I'm scared and sorry for my school. I was so hoping that a stalker had killed her. Not that it would have made it any better, but it wouldn't have been as scary for the students at UNC. Chapel Hill is a safe place. At least, it was. I hate that the safety and innocence that one should have in college has been taken away from the student body.

I don't have much of a point. I'm just sad for my school. I'm sad for the town. I'm sad for the world. Most of all, I'm sad for Eve Carson, whose dreams and ambition for the future will remain unfulfilled. And that's the most unfair thing of all.

my vacation is stressing me out

We're taking time off in May. Right now, we've got frequent flyer tickets to Costa Rica. We've got one of our places booked, but we have until the 6th of March to cancel without penalty. After totaling up the cost of the Costa Rica trip, the costs came to almost $5000. Yikes. That's a chunk. We can go back to St. John in May for about $2600, not including a little bit of spending (we eat lots of meals in there). That's almost half as much!

I'm conflicted. I put pressure on myself to see and try new things, trying to collect travel experiences like they are a valuable commodity. But they aren't. The goal of my vacations right now should be to relax, cause I have major problems doing that these days. Eight nights on St. John sounds heavenly. I've only been once, and I saw less than a quarter of what there is to see of that rich island.

I also think that Costa Rica is a fabulous family destination for kids in the 6-13 age range. We've probably got time to do that trip after we have kids. On the other hand, I really grew fond of the ideas of seeing monkeys, sloths and macaws in their native habitats.

Can someone tell me what to do (don't answer that question). I don't think vacation is supposed to be this stressful. Am I right folks?

Up early...

I'm up early today, for me. The Italian is playing hockey this morning, and I woke up around 7 to brilliant sunshine. It's supposed to be almost 70 today. Hello Spring! I plan on making some jewelry, running, and going to the market today. That's all that's on my list. Oh yeah, and going outside.

We went over to a friend's place for dinner last night. This particular couple are really good friends, and they have a 1-year old son. We just learned that they are possibly moving in the next year... and they won't say where. Long story, but the Italian and our male friend worked together for years, it's a really evil company and a very small world. Our friend needs to extricate himself from the company, but doesn't want to find a new job in our area because the company will sue him to enforce his non-compete agreement. Lawyers! They've either sued or threatened to sue many different valued employees who've left, including the Italian.

Anyway, I'm sad. These friends are some of the only people who make living here truly tolerable.

On a unrelated note, we're having to re-examine our May trip to Costa Rica. I've added everything up, and this is going to be one expensive trip. *Sigh*. I really don't want to go through the hassle of cancelling everything. We're trying to figure out if we can do St. John any cheaper... not sure if that will work.