I want my Honda back

I don't really care what I drive. A car gets you from point A to B, and so long as it holds up its end of the bargain and does so reliably, I'm satisfied. There's only ever been one exception to my "I don't care what I drive" rule, and right now, it's ruining my life.

See, a couple of years ago, we decided that we had enough money to buy almost any car on the market. Seeing as we're childless and all, I chose my dream car, a BMW 3 Series convertible. It's a nice car. I've always owned Honda's in the past, and the BMW was a major step up. The leather, the heated seats, the acceleration, the wind in your hair. I love it. What I don't love is the BMW dealership that's dicking us around right now and wasting hours of our time.

Here's what happened: we took the car in on Tuesday for a scheduled oil change. Predictably, they called and told us a list of things wrong with our car: "metal on metal" brakes, a dead battery, etc. A DEAD battery? What? The car has 50K miles on it and has started up just fine the other 2,500 times I've turned the key in the ignition. Including Tuesday morning, when I brought it in. "Nope, it won't hold a charge," says our "Service" representative.

He calls 15 minutes later to tell us the battery is magically working now. Uh-huh. (*cough* - bullshit - *cough*)

So we went in to see for ourselves. After waiting 40 minutes (!) in a nearly empty service department, we finally got some help. My husband quickly noted there are 3mm left on my brakepads, which is not a ton of buffer, but definitely not "metal on metal." They think we're fools. The mechanic bumbled his way through it, and we just left feeling dirty and schemed. The car seemed to be starting fine. In the end, we just took the car and paid for our oil change.

Then, two things happened. First, my car wouldn't start up as usual last night. It's slow to turn over. The battery is, in fact, bad. Second, I'm out of wiper fluid. Okay, fine, a $3.00 fix at Advance Auto. Only problem? There's now a HOLE in the bottom of my wiper fluid container. A HOLE! Oh, not to mention the random bolt rolling around under the hood.

Seriously, for the love of fuck. What did they do to my car?

So, the "service manager," some douche with a first name for a last name, meaning he has two first names, has been calling us. They won't admit they fucked our car up, so they keep saying "Just bring it back in and let us evaluate it. I need to know if my employees made a mistake." They are offering a $200 gift certificate to a restaurant group for our efforts. At this point, I want the gift certificate, a refund of my oil charge, and an appointment whereby my husband and I stand there and watch the mechanic work on our car. You think I trust them to work on my car now unattended after what's happened?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

We've had other trials and tribulations in this drama, including a service person at PepBoys go ballistic on us last night when we were trying to get our battery checked. I asked the mechanic, "What's wrong with Jorge?" And he replied "Oh, he's just an angry Peruvian." Well, I'm an angry white chick, please don't fuck with me. I'll sue you. I didn't say that, but I wanted to.

I really hate to quote a barely-par American Idol finalist, but Chris Daughtry spoke some damn true words when he said "Be careful what you wish for, 'cause you just might get it all. And then some you don't want." Such is the case with my BMW.

These are the days when I yearn for my Honda Civic.