Regret

I have a problem with regret. Like Catholics with guilt, regrets haunt me almost daily. On my mind today is my regret at going to law school. You know how some people have a mastery of their careers and when questioned, they can fire off information? I'm like that, only the exact opposite. I can't remember shit.

See, I have a terrible long-term memory when it comes to stuff that doesn't impact me daily. On the other hand, I also have the entire bank of knowledge from Trivial Pursuit Pop Culture Edition in my head, so that kind of goes against what I just said. Okay, so I don't remember things when I simply don't CARE enough. You beat it out of me. Happy now?

So it goes that a couple of weekends ago a friend was discussing Roe v. Wade. He was going on and on about what the case actually says, and despite the fact that I studied the case intently in law school and used to know it really well, I couldn't recall if he was correct or not. I had a sneaking suspicion he wasn't correct, but what the hell was I going to counter him with?

I'll often get asked a legal question from family or friends, and I really can't answer the question without looking information up. Sometimes that "information" is basic legal terminology that I used to know really well. I then start to think I have some sort of brain tumor that's robbing my memory, but then I remember that I've always been like this.

Today at lunch I was explaining a concept to someone and I forget to use the legal term "waiver." Another lawyer filled it in for me (she wasn't being ugly, she just helped me along).

Somedays I feel like a fake lawyer. I suspect because I haven't been doing this long enough, but what if I always feel this way?

Ah, self-doubt and regret. What a fucking combination!

On a similar, but topically unrelated note, I'm also having regrets about upcoming vacations. We're going to Vegas in two weeks, but I'm starting to wish we'd chosen somewhere warm. I'm itching to release my toes from their winter shoes. My skin is dry. And I really want to feel the warmth of sun on my skin.

We've got a trip to Costa Rica planned for May. I guess I'm excited to try somewhere new, but I keep inventing reasons to put off booking a hotel for two of our three locations. I'm really indecisive on the whole thing, and I think it's because I look at the logistics and just lose patience.

And underneath it all, I kind of regret that we're not going back to St. John. See, there it is again! The ugly spectre of regret.

Ugh, damn it all. I'm going to go back to being a subpar lawyer now.

Looking forward to Prozac

Results were released yesterday from a study that measured happiness and depression in eighty countries around the world. People were survyed, and the results tallied by country. In the US, people reported 44 as being their most unhappy age, regardless of financial status, marital status or overall place in life. Wow, what a lot to look forward to.

I'm surprised at this because, at age 30, things seem so damn HARD some days. I've got so much to prove at my job and I feel as if my youth hampers success. We're constantly stressing and straining to build a life for ourselves, to begin paying off the house, the cars, the student loans. It's an uphill battle. One that I'd hoped would be mostly over by the time I was 44. To me, a large part of happiness is financial independence. Maybe I'm wrong?

Those that were married reported being happier in general than those not married. However, those without children reported being happier than those with children. Now, the study didn't say whether those who were married/partnered with children were any happier than those un-partnered folks with children, but it gives me pause. Many people with children tell me how great it is, but most of those people have young children or adult children without problems. Those who have strained relationships with their kids or kids who've battled substance abuse/eating disorders/etc often tell me to "think about it hard and long before you have kids."

In the end, I guess it all comes down to your individual experiences. And sometimes we don't get to choose those experiences.

This study upsets me because I'd always looked toward my mid-forties as a sort of prime in my life. You're old enough that people take you seriously, but you still feel and look pretty young. If you've been a little saver, you have a decent amount of financial independence. Kids are getting older and your freedom is returning. Sure, life's probably halfway over, but if you haven't come to grips with the fact that "we've all gotta go sometime" by 44, I think you've been deluding yourself. I don't know, it's always sounded pretty good to me.

My sister is 40, and she seems better than she was at 35. The Italian's sisters are both in their early 40s, and though they've both had tough relationship issues, each seems to have a sure idea of what she wants and is going for it. I'm trying to enjoy my 30s, but standing at the front-end of the decade, it seems pretty hard. I've got a lot of work to do in the next 10 years. Having kids (or not) - either way it's going to be difficult. Saving money while still trying to travel, buy furniture and pay off a house - more tough. Building a career and name for myself in my chosen field (or figuring out what my chosen field even IS) - tough, tough, tough.

In the end, is it all even necessary? I've been asking myself this a lot lately. Part of my wants to "opt-out" of the traditional American life. I'm always reminded of a cheesy, but apt, parable about the businessman and the fisherman:
-------------------------------------------------------------------
"A few years ago, a very rich businessman decides to take a vacation to a small tropical island in the South Pacific. He has worked hard all his life and has decided that now is the time to enjoy the fruits of his labor. He is excited about visiting the island because he’s heard that there is incredible fishing there. He loved fishing as a young boy, but hasn’t gone in years because he has been so busy working to save for his retirement.

So on the first day, he has his breakfast and heads to the beach. It’s around 9:30 am. There he spots a fisherman coming in with a large bucket full of fish!

“How long did you fish for?” he asks. The fisherman looks at the businessman with a wide grin across his face and explains that the fishes for about three hours every day. The businessman then asks him why he returned so quickly.

“Don’t worry”, says the fisherman, “There’s still plenty of fish out there.”

Dumbfounded, the businessman asks the fisherman why he didn’t continue catching more fish. The fisherman patiently explains that what he caught is all he needs. “I’ll spend the rest of the day playing with my family, talking with my friends and maybe drinking a little wine. After that I’ll relax on the beach.”

Now the rich businessman figures he needs to teach this peasant fisherman a thing or two. So he explains to him that he should stay out all day and catch more fish. Then he could save up the extra money he makes and buy and even bigger boats to catch even more fish. The he could keep reinvesting his profits in even more boats and hire many other fisherman to work for him. If he works really hard, in 20 or 30 years he’ll be a very rich man indeed.

The businessman feels pleased that he’s helped teach this simple fellow how to become rich. Then the fisherman looks at the businessman with a puzzled look on his face and asks what he’ll do after he becomes very rich.

The businessman responds quickly “You can spend time with your family, talk with your friends, and maybe drink a little wine. Or you could just relax on the beach.”
----------------------------------------------------------------
Why work so hard to accomplish something that I could do right now, if I was willing to live on less? Is this American way of life too ingrained within me?

Boobs

I have a guilty pleasure. It's "The Girl's Next Door" on E! For some reason, plastic Playboy girls are entertaining. If you're a man who likes women, you've probably got a different sort of entertainment in mind than me. I digress. I find myself sucked in to this show each and every time I turn it on. I really wanted to hate this show, but I can't. Two reruns were on last night and there I sat again, transfixed for the better part of an hour.

Why do I care that Bridget's dog Wednesday has a modeling contract? Oh god, I know all the names!

I felt a little shame about this until I spoke to my friend Paige. Paige is a pretty hardcore feminist. She doesn't wear make-up and I'm pretty sure I've never seen even a hint of her cleavage. Over dinner a couple of weeks ago, she admitted that she watches the show and L-O-V-E-S it. Which is really funny. This is the girl who looked as if she'd landed on Mars when I took her into Sephora. She really didn't know what to do. Those were good times.

Anyway, so I love this damn show. My husband, on the other hand, hates it. Oh sure, he admits to loving the bouncing boobs and all, but it's the talking that gets to him. He can't stand Kendra, and he says the boobs don't make up for how annoying she is. He'd rather have no boobs on TV than have to listen to that boob talk. For this I do love him.

I still make him watch the show from time to time, just to get on his nerves. My TV and music tastes can be pretty low-brow, and I enjoy horrifying him with my choices. What can I say? I'm pretty serious in other areas of my life, so entertainment should be just what it claims to be - entertaining.

Oh, you again

You know the old expression "spring out of bed"? I do the opposite. I cling to my bed like it's a life raft beside a ship going down.

I can't get out of bed in the morning. I'm getting plenty of sleep, but I just don't greet the day with enthusiam. That being said, I'm happy to wake up and get on with things on Saturday and Sunday. It's the M-F part where I'm facing difficulties.

I don't know if it's just my job. Truthfully, I'm a little bored. My job, while difficult at times, is no longer hard. I am trained in what I do day to day, and it's all pretty routine at this point. That may be the problem. Maybe I need to shake things up by asking for new types of assignments.

Starting back on the jewelry should be good. Getting the creative juices flowing again is always good for the mind.

As usual, I'm a little late to the party

The Italian and I joined Facebook last night. Yes, we're years behind the times. We both finally figured it was time, since it's a great place to keep up with former business friends and classmates. It's crazy how people have come out of the woodwork less than 24 hours since I joined. A person that was once a good friend of mine, but then did something pretty fucked up to me, added me as a "friend" today. It's kind of weird. Oh well, I guess we were only 20 at the time. We're all stupid when we're 20, right?

Introducing CLIO

I've been decent at keeping things anon up to this point. I think I'm going to lighten up on that a bit. I have a few reasons for this. First, I thought I would spend time on this blog writing about work. I really haven't done that too often. But, what I have said I either have to delete, edit, or password-protect. Since I'm not really dishing about my job (it's too boring and predictable), I feel like there's no driving reason to keep this blog completely anon.

I will still continue to write about the issues I face in my workplace. Being a woman attorney in a very male dominated industry (real estate) has its challenges, and I don't think there's any harm in discussing those concerns intellectually.

Second, I've now got this jewelry business, and we're starting to pick up the pace on it again. Our etsy site is finally up and running, and I want to share this with my blog readers. I'm hoping that my company, called CLIO, will get greater exposure that way.

In the future, we hope to have our own URL, but for right now we're running through etsy. We also want to showcase our goods in some small stores, so if anyone knows anyone who knows anyone... I'd love to hear.

I really need to find a way to get my goods sold in the Caribbean. That way, I'd have tax-deductible business trips to paradise. Wouldn't that be nice?

Okay, my first attempt at lifting the cloak, my etsy store: CLIO Designs

Enjoy, and I love to hear what people think. I see you readers - I know you're out there!

Missing

Since my pseudonym is "Island Chica," it's obvious that I have an interest in de ilons. As I've written about before, my interest is specifically in the Caribbean, which is a region I generally adore, warts and all. On St. Martin, an island I've visited five times, an American woman by the name of Leta Lynn Cordes is missing. I don't know what I really hope to achieve by blogging about this, but I'm sad for her family that there hasn't been a resolution. She was walking alone at night to a casino, from a house that she OWNED (read: an experienced visitor), in an area of the island that I find particularly creepy.

Whenever I read about a missing woman, I always think about Kristin Modaferri, a classmate of mine who disappeared in San Francisco when she was 18. I knew Kristin in high school. Not particularly well, but we were on the debate team together and she was friends with one of my high school boyfriends. I remember her coming over to my house once to hang out. She was in San Fran for the summer, working in a coffee shop in a populated area. One day she left work and was never heard from again. Poof - gone. It's been over ten years. What hell.

I was almost attacked/abducted when I was seventeen. I've blogged about this before, so I feel a special connection to women who go missing. That could have been me. That REALLY could have been me. Luckily, my would-be attacker was hesitant, or maybe I was too fast, had too much of a lead on him as I ran out a parking garage.

The experience changed me. I don't go out by myself much at night anymore. Even to the grocery store. Is that sad? You damn well bet it is, but it's the way of our world. I hate that I can't go running on a trail by myself, but I really don't think it's smart to do so. So I don't.

It's amazing when you consider how many missing adults there are in the US. There are almost 51,000 missing adults. Can you imagine? Without a doubt, many of these people just don't want to be found. Others lead high risk lifestyles, whether they are homeless, drug addicts or prostitutes. Then, there are those who got in a car accident. Maybe drove into a lake or dense brush. Maybe fell while hiking. They might never be found.

I don't think Ms. Cordes falls into any of the above categories. Did she do the smartest thing by walking alone on a lonely road at night? No, but many more have done much, much worse and no harm befell them. What I find amazing is that there is no trace of her on that small island. St. Martin isn't miniscule, but it's pretty small. It just doesn't make sense that there's been no trace whatsoever.

We all remember Natalee Holloway. Oh, how I sympathized with that girl. God, the dumb things I did as an 18-year old. The guys I went home with, the shady places I frequented, the untrustworthy people I trusted. I was lucky. She was not. I've been to Aruba twice, and I still love the island. I just went last year, with girlfriends nontheless. All those talks of a boycott were dumb. We all know what happened to that girl, and it wasn't the fault of the Aruban people.

Anyway, I guess my point is that I just don't see a media frenzy about this case. Frankly, I'm surprised. Ms. Cordes isn't young (late 40s if memory serves), but she's an attractive California blonde. The type that makes headlines, I would think. I hope the case doesn't get brushed under the carpet. I hope she's found. I hope one more island paradise that I love isn't tarnished by the acts of one criminal.

I hope they find her.

The argument against watching murder shows before bedtime

I'm addicted to shows like The First 48, Cold Case Files (the A&E non-fiction version, not the drama), American Justice, etc. If someone has been murdered (for real, not as part of a plot line), I'm totally there. It's the part of me that always wanted to be a criminal lawyer. What can I say? I don't mind gore.

(Note: Unless it involves animals, and then all bets are off. Don't know why, but I can't stand to hear of a cat or dog or horse, etc dying, but humans? Eh. I think it's because we have the capacity to think, and *most* people murdered on these shows actively did something that caused their murder. Most, but not all.)

I digress. Anyway, after a marathon night of watching three episodes of The First 48 in a row, I fell asleep to the Justice Files, or something similar. What a fucking mistake. I had a series of messed up dreams last night.

First I dreamed that I was pulling out of a parking garage and a car zoomed around me and pulled out in front of me to beat a yellow light on the main road. Only problem was, he didn't see the car stopped at the light already. I pulled out and came upon a fresh crash scene. The stopped car was okay, but the guy who pulled out around me was dead. His truck was literally standing on it's front end. Nevermind that the physics involved don't make sense. It was still pretty fucked up.

Then, I dreamed that I had open heart surgery. I don't know why, but I did and I was afraid to look at the incision. Zach Braff was there too. I think that comes from watching too many reruns of Scrubs. I don't really know, but really, WTF?

I'm going to watch an episode of Vagina Power with Alexysssss Taylor (however you spell it, she's a hot bitch) tonight before bed and see what kind of dreams result from that. Don't know what "Vagina Power" is? Oooh, girl, you're missin' out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AaoRUOYEEfs

You can thank me later. Or, hate me later. It's up to you.

Itchy

I'm getting all itchy again to blow this popsicle stand. Not my job specifically (not today anyway), but this city. I want to board a great big jet plane and fly off, preferably to somewhere warm with sand and blue water. Alas, it's not to be. We're going to Vegas for a quick trip in about 20 days, so that's exciting, but it's not warm, it's not peaceful (unless you count the $140 massages you can purchase at a spa) and it's not tropical.

I'm sure I sound spoiled. If so, that's a fair categorization. Still, have you ever wanted to just drive yourself to an airport, pick out a place, and go? I've never done something even remotely that spontaneous, and I probably won't until I get older and vacation time isn't as much of an issue. If we're going to have kids, I guess that sort of cuts down on the spontaneity, huh?

I read an article recently about an older couple killed by a (presumed to be) serial killer. This guy apparently has killed several hikers, and is suspected of god knows how many other murders. It's a horrible story, but the article was about how these people lived, not how they died. This couple, in their late 70s, were still avid hikers and travelers. One neighbor stated that they always kept travel bags packed, as they would buy airline tickets on sale at the last minute and fly off on a day's notice to wherever they could get good tickets. What an exciting way to spend your later years.

The divorce situation with the Italian's sister really has him on edge. He asked me last night if I was happy, and made me promise that I would tell him if I ever wasn't. He doesn't want to get 15 years down the line and find himself with someone who doesn't love him. And neither do I.

I think it's important that couples grow together and develop common interests, though keeping your own interests intact is obviously important too. The Italian knows I love to travel, and he asked "do we go enough places to keep you happy?" Of course we do, because we go to all the places we can afford to go with limited time and money. It was really a very sweet moment (on the heels of me being a bitch b/c he kept asking after the damn Advil. I don't know where it is, dammit).

Anyway, my whole point is that doing things that seem ridiculous or impractical (like flying away at a moment's notice when you're 70) is what keeps relationships alive. We all want a little bit of the ridiculous from time-to-time, and shouldn't we indulge our spouse? If my brother-in-law had been a little less practical along the way, if they'd ended up with twenty thousand left in savings because of some ridiculous trip or hobby, would it have made a difference? Would their marriage be intact? Was that extra money really worth the price of his marriage?

All I know is that I look forward to growing old with my husband, and flying off with my husband on a moment's notice, whether we're 35 or 75.

For the love of God

What a week. I've had a hard time concentrating enough to write an actual post, but what's new lately? I'm fresh out of funny. The Italian's sister has announced that she is separating from her husband of 15+ years. We (as in my husband and I) knew it was coming, because the Italian is his sister's greatest confidante. No one else in the Italian's large family knew. My husband has been on the phone with another sibling for the past hour or two, discussing the news. Apparently, feelings are hurt because no one had warning. Jesus.

I just think it's sad.

I'm having a really hard time being motivated at work lately. I'm bored and I am tired of doing the same thing day in and out. I also had a racist incident in a closing today. Several of the involved parties, including another lawyer, were discussing how our city sucks because when you look around on the highway, no one in the car behind you, in front of you, whatever, "looks like me, if you know what I mean." I felt like saying, "if you mean they don't look like fat, pugnacious assholes, then yes, I know what you mean." But alas, he meant they aren't white. Not southern. Not christian.

I need to get out of the south.

Okay, here's something kinda funny. My friends in Raleigh are teaching their toddler to use anatomically correct terms. So, over the weekend their two-year old son yells into the kitchen: "Daddy, where's your penis?" Daddy replies: "uh, it's in my pants." This is from the same kid who asked his babysitter if her nose stud was a nipple.

Love him.

The concept of home

My husband doesn't understand the concept of feeling like you're "home" in one place versus another. To him, home is where you live. To me, it's more of a state of mind. I've lived in my current city since 1999, but I can't claim that it's home. It's more of a habit, really. I'm surprised at how easy it's been to just ease into life here. I always say I don't like this place, and by and large I don't. But the longer we stay, the harder it is for me to leave. We've got good jobs, a network so that we'll always have jobs, a house, friends, etc.

Except I really don't feel like I'm home when I'm here. I always feel like a visitor.

This weekend we're going to North Carolina, where I was raised and lived until I was twenty-two. Going to NC is always hard for me. I tend to get all weepy and nostalgic when I'm there. I don't know if it's because I'm comfortable there. I miss the accents. Sometimes, I listen to John Edwards speak just because he sounds like all of the people I grew up around. And really, that is the only reason I listen to his stump speeches.

ASIDE: Seriously, if I hear John Edwards talk about the mills and his grandma one more time, I'm going to bust through my TV and throttle him. It's not that it's a bad message, but it doesn't have to be your ONLY message!

Back to my post now. I'm excited to go back to NC this weekend, but I haven't been back in a while. Sometimes when I visit, I feel like I've outgrown Raleigh, like its too backward and un-sophisticated after living in a huge city for years. In some ways, it is. I've become very liberal in my thoughts about sexuality and race since my early 20s. Basically, I just don't care. You can be who you want, sleep with who you want, and be any color and I think the same of you - so long as you're a decent human being. I don't think those ideas are typical for the average North Carolinian (Charlotte excepted).

However, there is just something about the area that typtifies "home" for me. Oddly, there are places I visit that also feel like home. When I go to St. John or St. Martin, I feel pleasantly comfortable. I felt that way almost immediately upon my arrival in those places for the first time. I didn't feel that way in other places, like Maui or England or Aruba. I don't know why, but those places didn't feel right to me.

I wonder what makes some places feel like home, even if you've never lived there? Is it more your state of mind when you're in those places, or they memories you have of a certain place?

White stuff, white stuff!

We have snow!

Procrastina --- wait, I need to do something before I finish this title

I am the world's greatest procrastinator. Seriously, if you wanted to learn how to procrastinate, come find me. I'll teach you how. First you'll have to get me to sit down and focus though. Ah, therein lies the rub.

I can waste more time at work than any other human being alive. I am truly amazed that I managed to graduate high school, graduate college, and then convince a law school to let me attend, nevermind the fact that they gave me some money for doing so. Then, I passed the bar exam too. On my first try.

See, here's the thing. I procrastinate to no end, but when the shit starts hitting the fan, I put my tail in gear and come through. Luckily, I've been smart enough and clever enough to get by on last minute preparation. I have a feeling this streak won't last forever.

How do you break the habit of being a procrastinator? Telling me to get my ass moving on a miserable assignment is like trying to tell a heroin addict to take that silly needle out of his vein. It ain't happening. But in the end, putting things off just stresses me out more, and I know this. If I'd started working on an assignment earlier, I would have seen the problems ahead of time and they could have been worked out. Now, because I waited so long, common problems become "emergencies." It sucks and it's illogical.

Is it just laziness on my part, or is there something else behind procrastination? We all do it to some extent (okay, not the Italian, but he has a freakish energy level), and I wonder if it's about control. You can't control so many things in your environment, but you can control when YOU choose to start an assignment given to you by a boss or a client. Of course, like all ill-formed logic, this reasonsing doesn't pass the common sense test. Because by procrastinating, you're assuring you WON'T have control at the end when all hell breaks loose because you decided to procrastinate. Hey, at least it was YOUR pile of shit, right?

I procrastinate drying the dishes each and every night. I hate it. Tonight, after the Italian finishing washing the pots and pans (for the smartasses out there, YES, we do have a dishwasher, but we have nice pans so we wash those by hand), he asked me to dry them. This happens every night, and I usually wait until they air dry and put them up. This gets on his nerves to no end. I was called out: "why are you trying to get out of drying the dishes again?" I admitted my problem, and I picked up the towel.

You know what, it felt a lot better to put those dishes away at 7:45 and be done with them. Usually, I'm still worrying about them come bedtime. As the Italian constantly reminds me, there is not a little dish fairy that comes through and puts all the pots and pans up. Well, there is, but it's him and he prefers I don't call him a fairy. Fairies don't usually have hair on their chests.

So what's YOUR biggest character flaw? And how do I get past mine?

Au revoir cojones

Our kitten had a monumental day yesterday: he was neutered. It was surprisingly quick, and a much better recovery than females when they are spayed. Still, I had to feel for him last night when I saw him licking the area. I mean, that tongue is like sandpaper and that had to hurt, right? Poor guy. At least it's over with now.

However, he tried to climb the door frame this morning. I don't think they took the kitten crazies out of him, just the cojones.

Update on my list

New reader Poppy (welcome!) commented on my anti-resolution resolutions, and I was reminded that my update post hadn't happened yet. Okay, so I lost steam in creating 31 things to do in my 31st year. I did, however, come up with 16. So, I think I'm going to stick with 16. Does that make me a quitter before I even started? Perhaps. But I don't care, it's my list so deal with it.

Here's an update on my progress thus far:

16 Things in my 31st Year:

1. Run a 10K: I've actually researched this one and I've got an early March race that I think I'm going to do. The Italian wants to run with me, so yeah!

2. Do the zipline in Costa Rica in May: Trying to get up the courage for this one. I'm going to at least try.

3. Decorate our bedroom: Ohhh, making progress. We've got new bedding, new lampshades and have painted our bedside tables. Next up is painting the room, finding a dresser and some wall art. I LOVE my new bedding though. We went with a color that Restoration Hardware calls Silver Sage. We didn't buy RH bedding though - that stuff is crazy expensive.

4. Try a Bikram Yoga class: Um, not yet.

5. Research how to get your writing published and attempt to write an article or book chapter: Again, a nonstarter thus far.

6. Hire a maid: Still trying to cut #10 a bit before I address this one. Ironically, I have to clean the house when I finish typing this post. Think about it, people, you'd have better posts if only I didn't have to clean!

7. Go to St. John (even if pregnant), hike Ram's Head and snorkel Salt Pond: Trip booked for October 2008, thanks to FF miles. Also have invited friends so this may be a really great trip. Italian and I have discussed turning this into a procreation vacation. Hehe.

8. Find a damn donkey on St. John (there is history behind this one): We won't know until October.

9. Add 3 new recipes to my regular arsenal: I've added one, a Cooking Light recipe for Linguine with tomatoes and leeks. It was really good. I'm going to try a new one tonight too.

10. Cut our monthly expenses by $500 (this may conflict with #6): We found a way to cut our car insurance by $30 a month, and are probably selling my car (a very expensive convertible BMW) in favor of a Honda Accord. Boring, but we wouldn't have a car payment.

11. Make a profit on my jewelry business: On hold. My partner and I are turning back to this in February.

12. Learn how to take good pictures: I still suck at it.

13. Don't pay for any sizeable purchase on credit. We're starting 2008 debt-free, and I want to keep it that way: Still hanging tight.

14. Take a flight without xanax: No flights since I made this list. I've got a trip to Vegas coming up in February, but I don't think I'm going to try this then. A flight back from Vegas is the reason I started taking anxiety meds while flying in the first place.

15. Keep up with my time entry at work on a regular, weekly basis: Doing much, much better, though I can't say I've been perfect. But I am a LOT better. I intend to keep it up.

16. Stop drinking diet soda every day: shit, this one is hard. I'm addicted, I tell you. I need to stop.

So, when are you going to...

It happened again yesterday. I got dinged. This happens to me on average two times a week. I'm having a perfectly normal phone conversation with a female lawyer at another firm (who happens to be pregnant), and I politely inquire how everything's going. She says great, and then it happens. "So," she begins slyly, "when are you going to have a baby of your own?" DING!

People, stay out of my uterus. It's none of your business.

Baby, it's cold outside

I like Canadians. I like Mid-Westerners. But when it comes to weather, you folks are certifiable. It's 26 degrees here today, but with the gusting wind, it feels like 16 degrees. I'm miserable, even in my long, heavy coat. How do people live in frigid climates? How?

Random Thought

The Italian and I often wonder whether anything we do or say is original. We'll be talking, and one of us will say some completely offhand remark, usually related to an offhand topic. I wish I could think of an example, but it's early and my memory isn't up to snuff yet. Anyway, when that happens, we'll wonder whether or not that exact same sentence has ever been said before by anyone in the history of the world.

I wondered something similar last night when I was at the grocery. My cart is a weird mix of carnivore and vegan. You've got soy milk and soy sausages, alongside expensive Greek yogurt and boneless chicken thighs. Then there's hummus, grapefruit, broccoli and beans. Zucchini, ice pops, basmati rice and lots of canned tomatoes. Oh, and tampons. It's a weird basket. I think the suburbanite moms with their mountains of pre-packaged, processed food look confused when they see me unload. Where are the Dorito's, frozen pizzas and Lean Cuisines? It's not a judgment, but an accurate observation.

Anyway, as I was unloading my strange basket, I wondered whether or not anyone in the history of the world has picked up the exact same groceries before? Probably not, just because we have so many choices and the combinations are seemingly limitless. It's nice to know some things we do might be original.

Anti-New Year's Resolution Resolutions

In general, I don't make New Year's resolutions. I understand why people do it, because there is something very nice about starting fresh. A new year is a nice, identifiable starting point. However, I still stand by my initial statement that I DON'T MAKE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS. I am, however, going to do something very hokey. And I don't care.

Here's the deal. I turn 31 in February. At this time next year, I will likely be pregnant. Seeing as this is probably my last full year all by myself, I'm going to do some things for myself. I'm making a list called 31 things to do in my 31st year. I by no means think your life completely stops when you have kids, but it does change and make things more difficult. Priorities shift. So, why I am still relatively high on my priority list, I'm going to take care of doing some things I've always wanted to do.

I've got 15 so far. I plan on having a complete list in the coming weeks. Here goes:

31 Things in my 31st Year:

1. Run a 10K
2. Do the zipline in Costa Rica in May
3. Decorate our bedroom
4. Try a Bikram Yoga class
5. Research how to get your writing published and attempt to write an article or book chapter
6. Hire a maid
7. Go to St. John (even if pregnant), hike Ram's Head and snorkel Salt Pond
8. Find a damn donkey on St. John (there is history behind this one)
9. Add 3 new recipes to my regular arsenal
10. Cut our monthly expenses by $500 (this may conflict with #6)
11. Make a profit on my jewelry business
12. Learn how to take good pictures
13. Don't pay for any sizeable purchase on credit. We're starting 2008 debt-free, and I want to keep it that way.
14. Take a flight without xanax.
15. Keep up with my time entry at work on a regular, weekly basis.
16. Stop drinking diet soda every day.

I can't wait to see what else I come up with. I'm going to tackle one or two of these things in the next few weeks.