In a nutshell, I'm sorry

I'm not getting much work done today, so a blog post seems in order. At least I'm producing SOMETHING this way.

I've recently created a profile on Facebook (FB from here on out). I've resisted for so long, and now I know why. Don't get me wrong, it's fun to catch up with old friends, but sometimes it just brings back memories I'd just as soon have forgotten. FB is an excellent stalking tool. Even if one of your old friends isn't on there, there's a pretty good chance that a mutual friend will have some pictures of that person or some info about them. I guess it's better than totally losing track of folks, but still... I'd like to forget about a lot of things I did between the ages of 15 and 22.

Some people are on my mind today. People I haven't reached out to, but have found pictures or snippets of information about. People who I can't and won't contact directly, for a variety of reasons that are intensely personal and not for any public forum. To those people, I have a few things to say:

To AL, you are probably the most beautiful person I've ever met in real life. In college, you were so troubled and I lost patience. Crazy, promiscuous and psycho were words I often threw about when describing you to others. That was mean and I'm sorry. The truth is, you were troubled. Deeply. I'm sorry I didn't even try to help more, but honestly I didn't know what to do with you. People were completely bewitched by you at first meeting, and I was intensely envious of that. And of your physical beauty. Was I shallow? Yes, I freely admit that. But I was also jealous. Part of me wanted to be as carefree and damn ballsy as you were every single day. But you were too carefree, and that turned me off. You were carefree to the point where you neglected your responsibilities, imposed on others with your irresponsibility, and physically and emotionally hurt yourself over and over again. You exhausted me.

I hope you've found some sort of happiness in your life. Honolulu seems as if it would suit you. Even with all of your horrible choices, countless mistakes and personal tragedy, I'm still jealous that you have the balls to step outside of what is expected and normal. Just please don't end up like your mom did. I still think about you, even though it's likely I will never see you again. I doubt I ever cross your mind these days, and I'm okay with that. Please find peace, please don't repeat the cycle.

To AN, I admit a small part of me still harbors a grudge. What you did to me was really low, probably the meanest thing anyone has ever done to me. You were cutthroat and manipulative, and in the end it didn't really work out so well for you, did it? I know it was 10 years ago, and I want to like you now, but I find it hard. I can't like you because I don't trust you. Actually, that's probably not correct, the whole problem is that I do LIKE you, but I can't trust you. So, I guess we can be friendly, but not friends. What I don't want is to feel the grudge anymore. I want to wash that away. With this post, I am acknowledging to myself that the grudge is gone - it has to be. It's childish and stupid and small of me to hold it any longer. You were a very young woman who used bad judgment. I was admittedly irresponsible for a while there. I was tough to live with and we fought often and hard. I accept my part in what happened, I still wonder if you accept yours. Do you ever feel bad about it now? Did you ever feel bad, at any point? These are the questions I will never have the answers to, but I wish you well with your pregnancy. Twins! You will be busy for a while, and I may not see you for some time. I wish you all the best. Truly.

That gut-dump down memory lane is all I can handle for today. My feelings and thoughts about these individuals (and a few others) are so complex and I've never put them into words. If I could have 10 minutes to speak to either of these women, I would read them exactly what I've written today.

Relationships are complex, especially between women.