So close, yet so far away

Look down on the right side of my page. See that trip counter? Right now it says 2 days until our Costa Rica Adventure. 2 days is not much time. It feels like an eternity as I sit at my desk, one more day of serving my sentence until I can be free. I'm being dramatic, I know. I haven't had a week off since the very first week of July 2007. My office isn't an office that supports taking time off. They make it difficult for you to do so, and the clients are so demanding. There is no "putting in your time." If you aren't here to do your job, it doesn't get done. Period.

I can't wait to be off, exploring a new country. In truth, I'm scared because I speak only restaurant Spanish. I can greet people, tell them I don't speak Spanish, order food and say "thanks!", but that's about it. Lots of people in CR speak English, but not all. I think we'll get around okay... I hope so.

We have to ride on a small, 20-seat plane for an hour to reach one of our destinations. I hope we make it okay. I'm most nervous about that flight. Okay, that flight and the ziplining. But I'm determined to do both.

Ugh, will Thursday ever get here? I've miles to go before then, and delaying my work isn't going to help, is it?

In a nutshell, I'm sorry

I'm not getting much work done today, so a blog post seems in order. At least I'm producing SOMETHING this way.

I've recently created a profile on Facebook (FB from here on out). I've resisted for so long, and now I know why. Don't get me wrong, it's fun to catch up with old friends, but sometimes it just brings back memories I'd just as soon have forgotten. FB is an excellent stalking tool. Even if one of your old friends isn't on there, there's a pretty good chance that a mutual friend will have some pictures of that person or some info about them. I guess it's better than totally losing track of folks, but still... I'd like to forget about a lot of things I did between the ages of 15 and 22.

Some people are on my mind today. People I haven't reached out to, but have found pictures or snippets of information about. People who I can't and won't contact directly, for a variety of reasons that are intensely personal and not for any public forum. To those people, I have a few things to say:

To AL, you are probably the most beautiful person I've ever met in real life. In college, you were so troubled and I lost patience. Crazy, promiscuous and psycho were words I often threw about when describing you to others. That was mean and I'm sorry. The truth is, you were troubled. Deeply. I'm sorry I didn't even try to help more, but honestly I didn't know what to do with you. People were completely bewitched by you at first meeting, and I was intensely envious of that. And of your physical beauty. Was I shallow? Yes, I freely admit that. But I was also jealous. Part of me wanted to be as carefree and damn ballsy as you were every single day. But you were too carefree, and that turned me off. You were carefree to the point where you neglected your responsibilities, imposed on others with your irresponsibility, and physically and emotionally hurt yourself over and over again. You exhausted me.

I hope you've found some sort of happiness in your life. Honolulu seems as if it would suit you. Even with all of your horrible choices, countless mistakes and personal tragedy, I'm still jealous that you have the balls to step outside of what is expected and normal. Just please don't end up like your mom did. I still think about you, even though it's likely I will never see you again. I doubt I ever cross your mind these days, and I'm okay with that. Please find peace, please don't repeat the cycle.

To AN, I admit a small part of me still harbors a grudge. What you did to me was really low, probably the meanest thing anyone has ever done to me. You were cutthroat and manipulative, and in the end it didn't really work out so well for you, did it? I know it was 10 years ago, and I want to like you now, but I find it hard. I can't like you because I don't trust you. Actually, that's probably not correct, the whole problem is that I do LIKE you, but I can't trust you. So, I guess we can be friendly, but not friends. What I don't want is to feel the grudge anymore. I want to wash that away. With this post, I am acknowledging to myself that the grudge is gone - it has to be. It's childish and stupid and small of me to hold it any longer. You were a very young woman who used bad judgment. I was admittedly irresponsible for a while there. I was tough to live with and we fought often and hard. I accept my part in what happened, I still wonder if you accept yours. Do you ever feel bad about it now? Did you ever feel bad, at any point? These are the questions I will never have the answers to, but I wish you well with your pregnancy. Twins! You will be busy for a while, and I may not see you for some time. I wish you all the best. Truly.

That gut-dump down memory lane is all I can handle for today. My feelings and thoughts about these individuals (and a few others) are so complex and I've never put them into words. If I could have 10 minutes to speak to either of these women, I would read them exactly what I've written today.

Relationships are complex, especially between women.

Odds and ends

It's been a while, but we've had a lot going on. The Italian's sister had her gastric bypass on April 15th (tax day). She is just being discharged today, as she had a serious complication over the weekend. She had an intestinal blockage and some sort of umbilical hernia. She's better now, but there were some tense times.

We also had some of the Italian's cousins from NYC in town for the last week. It was really fun.

Things have been surprisingly good for me lately. I'm not sure if it's the arrival of spring weather, the upcoming vacation, the fact that I've been taking measures to get my workouts back on track, better eating or just an overall shift, but things feel clearer now.

We received news a few weeks back that one of our good couple-friends is moving to Texas. These friends are some of our last true family-like friends left in this area. We haven't been terribly close in the last year because since they've had their first child, they've dropped off the map. It happens sometimes. I try to understand, but I can't say my feelings aren't hurt.

Anyway, I am really thinking hard now about where I want the Italian and I to be. No question, if I wasn't married, I'd be out of this city like a bolt of lightening. However, realities being what they are, I am married and I have two residences. Shit. How are we going to sell these places?

The Italian and I have some stuff to figure out. If I had my druthers, one of us would find a contract somewhere warm, like the Cayman Islands, Bermuda, St. Thomas, etc. I don't know if I'll win that battle though.

I realize that I've been spinning my wheels here at work. While there are certainly good things about where I work, this place makes me feel as if my world's a little small. I never get the chance to travel in this job, and I never will. While many of the people I work with are nice, a lot of them have a very defeatest attitude. There's a lot of complaining, and a lot of people who just accept that moderate unhappiness is their lot in life. I won't accept that.

So, here I am. I know I need to move on, but I'm frustrated because I have to wait to do so. For now, I will save as much money as I can, keep myself healthy and employed, and wait it out. I'll travel as much as we can afford to, and not worry so much about how much time I'm taking off work. After all, I highly doubt a partnership here is in the cards for me.

It's 75 degrees outside today and not a cloud in the sky. I'm going to Costa Rica in 10 days, going to the beach and mountains this summer and going to St. John in October. Life could be worse.

Crumbling

I feel sorry for the Italian right now. Up until three years ago, his family was solid as a rock, albeit with some small pieces chipped off along the way. In the past three years:

1. Sister #2 has gotten divorced, had major behavioral problems with her children, major money problems due to her ex, and is now having major surgery for weight loss purposes next week (it's a big risk).

2. Sister #1 has decided to leave her husband of 16+ years on what seems like a whim. She has her reasons, but basically she thinks she can do better. I know this to be true, but she's not admitting it. She's been unfaithful, and she's used the Italian as her confidante. It's unfair.

3. The Parents have retired, and each is now getting progressively more annoyed by the other. The bickering has reached fever pitch. Dad is extremely opinionated, and is very disappointed in Sister #1's recent decisions. He thinks she's over her head at her job and trying to run with the big dogs when she needs to be at home with her kids. I disagree on that front. The kids have two parents... it's time for Sister #1's husband (soon-to-be ex) to step up to the plate and take care of those kids since he hasn't been around for a while. He's retired. He can do it.

4. Brother #2 is engaged, but they can't set a date. They keep changing their minds. There is uncertainty, and a lack of confidence in the relationship. This is the Italian's closest sibling, and we just want him to be happy. Easier said than done.

5. Brother #1 has a wife with mental health issues. Major ones. They've been stablizied lately, but it's never easy.

The Italian is on the phone right now arguing with Sister #1 about something. Apparently, some family function (maybe a first communion for a niece?) was scheduled during our upcoming vacation (which has been on the books since August 2007). They're upset we can't come. They didn't ask before they scheduled. It's getting nasty.

The walls are crumbling a bit, and it makes me sad. My family foundation is so unstable, and I always looked towards the Italian's family to fill certain gaps. Now, it's not so dependable.

This is a depressing post. I'm going to drink some wine.

I miss the smell of sunscreen

It's a beautiful day outside today. 75 degrees or so and brilliantly sunny. Weather like this makes me long for the smell of sunscreen. You know the scent: when you're on vacation and you've got nothing to decide except whether to read US Weekly, People or that smut you brought along that technically qualifies as a "book." Before you head out of the day, you slather yourself in coconut-scented sunscreen. Everywhere you go, people have the same scent, sun-exposed skin mixed with coconut. It's delicious. And my time is coming - soon.

I just have to get through the next 21 days. C'mon May!

Spring Sprung Sprang

I've sunken to new lows. This is a post about weather, my friends. After a weekend in Hilton Head Island, SC last week, I'd sort of gotten accustomed to this spring thing. I like warm weather. Even better, I like bathing suit weather accompanied by beer and cookouts. Weather.com swears that the average high temperature for April in my city is 73 degrees. Fair enough, it's going to be 73 today! But, this weekend things get decidedly cooler. I mean, 57 on Sunday and 51 on Monday? Ick. If I wanted January weather, I'd live in the Northeast. I need spring. Spring has sprung, then it takes two steps back.

I just want to lie in the sun. Is that too much to ask?

Dear Starbucks Order Taker,

While I don't normally use the Starbucks drive-thru, when I noticed the completely free drive-thru line this morning I simply couldn't resist. I pulled up to place my thrice-weekly order, a tall skinny vanilla latte, and was greeted with a peppy voice pulsing out of the order box: "Good morning and welcome to Starbucks, would you like to try a cup of our new Pike Place roast with one of our new top pop donuts?"

First, that's a mouthful. Second, now I'm beginning to understand why your damn drive through line is so fucking long every morning. If you read a chapter of War & Peace to every customer who comes through, it's going to take a hot minute. Third, no, I don't want to try a damn new roast. You roast your beans to hell and render a plain old cup of coffee completely undrinkable.

But did I say that, even though I was thinking it? No. Alas, you held my morning salvation, in the form of an expresso shot, in your peppy little hands. I just said, "Uh, no, I'd like a tall skinny vanilla latte."

Then you asked me if I wanted anything to eat. I think by this point we've established that I understand how this ordering thing works. If I'd wanted a nasty, pre-made, tasteless muffin, I would've ordered it the first go 'round. The coffee will be just fine, you dolt.

Again, using restraint, I just said "no." Then I was asked to hold on a minute while you got my total. You know what? I don't really care. I know the answer: the total is TOO FUCKING MUCH FOR A CUP OF COFFEE. See, I know that, yet I come anyway, as I am a fool. An addicted fool.

I pull up to the window and another peppy, hip chick takes my card. She then forces some literature about a Starbucks card into my hand. Are they fucking kidding me? I pull off, and wonder if the hassle was worth it.

I take a sip, and decide that mediocrity has a price. $3.27.