I'm Back... for now, anyway

You know how sometimes when you feel pressure to do something, it just seems like too much, but then once you remove that pressure, the thing you were stressing about didn't seem so bad? Well, that's how I felt on my break from blogging. That, and of course the fact that the week I chose to break from blogging, lots of shit happened... some good, but mostly bad.

My best friend had her second baby, a girl. Good! Then, my friend developed a uterine infection and her husband - the sole breadwinner - lost his job. Bad! I'm working out a lot more and am really happy with the plan I'm following. Good! I've eaten like absolute shit the last week. Bad! A pep talk from my boss led me to learn that I am in no danger of losing my job during this crappy economy. Great! I bought my house during the 2006 boom and I hate it... and I have no idea when we'll be able to sell and I refuse to do so without breaking even. Bad!

I really treat this blog like a bit of a personal diary, which I suppose is good and bad all at the same time. Good, because I need to get certain thoughts out. Bad, because even though I didn't want to lose my anonyminity, I did in certain cases. A few things have been bothering me lately, and I've been hesitant to really even think through these thoughts, let alone write them down. I guess I have to deal with it sometimes.

First, I'm having a bit of conflict with my chosen profession. I am a commercial real estate attorney. There are good things about my career - it's stable, it only becomes more stable the older I get, I make good money and my hours are very reasonable. Those things are all very important. However, I've been having a bit of an ethical conflict lately with some of the projects I have to handle. I don't mind refinances, even though I don't love finance. I do mind new projects where beautiful farm land is being turned into a concrete shopping center filled with another nail salon and Quizno's. The Italian reminds me that this forward "progress" would occur whether or not my firm closed the transaction. He's right, of course.

I just found out that one of my favorite places in my county - a game ranch where injured animals are rehabbed and you can visit and feed these animals by hand - is being sold to a Buddhist temple. Granted, it's not a shopping center, but it's not going to be the "game ranch" any longer either. Sigh.

Second, I've written a lot about being "down" or "unhappy" or "annoyed" lately. In general, I think I operate at a lower level of "happy" than a lot of people in the pervasively, ridiculously optimistic US of A (see?). However, I think something else is going on. There is a history of depression in my family, and I suspect I'm carrying on the tradition.

I definitely have long cycles where things seem very dark and impossible. I'm not the kind to lay in bed, shades drawn, and wither away. I'm functioning, although not at maximum capacity. My energy level is fairly low, my concentration level is pretty bad. I don't feel like cooking, one of my favorite hobbies, even on weekends when I have the time. Going to the store for groceries, or even going clothes shopping, seems like a monumental task. Don't even talk to me about cleaning my house. That's like climbing a mountain. Thank god the Italian is around to pitch in.

I'm easily irritated, I'm snapping a lot lately, and any little thing someone says that disagrees with one of my thoughts or ideas seems like a personal attack. I'm very difficult to be around, and I don't like myself very much right now.

I was seeing a therapist about some family problems back in 2007. I gave it up for a variety of reasons, but ultimately I didn't feel a connection with the therapist I saw. I don't know if I want to try again. I probably should. I've always been a little leery of medication, and I've never taken an anti-depressant. Maybe I just don't know enough, but messing with brain chemistry sounds scary to me. Maybe there's another way.

Anyway, it's really scary to admit depression. I don't even like typing it. But I know ignoring it will not make it go away.

I have more to say, but I pretty worn out from this post already. I'll be back, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week.