Regret

I have a problem with regret. Like Catholics with guilt, regrets haunt me almost daily. On my mind today is my regret at going to law school. You know how some people have a mastery of their careers and when questioned, they can fire off information? I'm like that, only the exact opposite. I can't remember shit.

See, I have a terrible long-term memory when it comes to stuff that doesn't impact me daily. On the other hand, I also have the entire bank of knowledge from Trivial Pursuit Pop Culture Edition in my head, so that kind of goes against what I just said. Okay, so I don't remember things when I simply don't CARE enough. You beat it out of me. Happy now?

So it goes that a couple of weekends ago a friend was discussing Roe v. Wade. He was going on and on about what the case actually says, and despite the fact that I studied the case intently in law school and used to know it really well, I couldn't recall if he was correct or not. I had a sneaking suspicion he wasn't correct, but what the hell was I going to counter him with?

I'll often get asked a legal question from family or friends, and I really can't answer the question without looking information up. Sometimes that "information" is basic legal terminology that I used to know really well. I then start to think I have some sort of brain tumor that's robbing my memory, but then I remember that I've always been like this.

Today at lunch I was explaining a concept to someone and I forget to use the legal term "waiver." Another lawyer filled it in for me (she wasn't being ugly, she just helped me along).

Somedays I feel like a fake lawyer. I suspect because I haven't been doing this long enough, but what if I always feel this way?

Ah, self-doubt and regret. What a fucking combination!

On a similar, but topically unrelated note, I'm also having regrets about upcoming vacations. We're going to Vegas in two weeks, but I'm starting to wish we'd chosen somewhere warm. I'm itching to release my toes from their winter shoes. My skin is dry. And I really want to feel the warmth of sun on my skin.

We've got a trip to Costa Rica planned for May. I guess I'm excited to try somewhere new, but I keep inventing reasons to put off booking a hotel for two of our three locations. I'm really indecisive on the whole thing, and I think it's because I look at the logistics and just lose patience.

And underneath it all, I kind of regret that we're not going back to St. John. See, there it is again! The ugly spectre of regret.

Ugh, damn it all. I'm going to go back to being a subpar lawyer now.